a post from November 5, 2015
A little over a month ago I started to get fed up. I love God! I have always loved God! I just didn’t understand Him. I just kept thinking, why is it so difficult to be a Christian? It doesn’t make any sense. I was so sick of the roller coaster ride my relationship with God was on. I struggled to understand the bible when I read it, but I regularly read other Christian “self help” books, I listened to Christian music only, my family attended church on a somewhat regular basis. For almost a year my children and I volunteered to help with the young children in our church as well as other areas. I really did love God, I had a desire to be near to him, and there were times in my life that I couldn’t contain the feelings of love and acceptance I felt in my relationship with God. And then there were times that I couldn’t see God through the storm. And man were there some storms!
I would watch testimonies of people and hear their stories and have this strong desire to have what they had. A relationship with God that didn’t ebb and flow. Why did it seem like they didn’t have ups and downs? Why did it seem like they were always close to God? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG!!
I felt God calling me into things, but I couldn’t make sense of it. How could he call me to anything, when I couldn’t stay close to him, when I couldn’t get my own family under control – how did He think I could witness or help others? It was so confusing – but I wanted to be obedient.
Out of frustration one night I prayed – I had no idea what I was praying – just this desire – LORD – I DON’T WANT TO FALL AWAY FROM YOU!! I don’t want life to get in the way of You. Show me!!!