The Day I Battled With the Lord

I went into the church sanctuary that day to clean.

Cleaning the church was not something I had gone looking for. It was simply something I believed the Lord had led me to do. And, if I am being completely truthful, cleaning the sanctuary was the part I particularly disliked.

Before I began that day, I had prayed and asked God to help me find joy in it.

I did not expect His answer to look like this.

What happened over the next several hours is difficult to fully explain. I cleaned through tears, prayer, memories, and visions that came with incredible clarity. It felt as though God was walking me through His faithfulness one moment at a time.

I do not know that I can adequately describe the presence of God in the sanctuary that day.

I am not going to try to explain every vision or every memory. Some of those stories may be meant for another day. But this is what I wrote from the middle of that experience.

In the sanctuary that day, I battled with the Lord. And this is what happened.

Today I am overwhelmed by the presence of God. I know He is reaching out to me, and I’m pulling away. I’m scared of what He is calling me to do. And today when I battled against Him, He flooded my heart with His love.

He reminded me of when I was first saved by His grace. I was broken and ugly and good for nothing, and then He showed me what I would be someday, He showed me how He would put the pieces back together, there would be scars, but He would refine me by fire, He would polish me and I would be whole.

And I see His faithfulness, I see His work, I am not the same and it’s because of Him alone.

He showed me how He can move mountains, He overwhelmed me with His presence and His love, and He reminded me that I only had to believe.

When the world was going down that wide path, I should go the other way and continue to believe and trust in His process, I should keep my head up, and look at Him.

When doubt was thrown in my face, I stood firm, I anchored myself to the rock and I stated what was opposite of what was seen, and He answered my prayers, He changed winds, He moved fire and He did the impossible.

He reminded me today of all the promises I make Him, I tell Him I’m ready and then when He places me in the middle of what He has called me to, I get scared and I question myself, and I question if it’s truly His voice, I think about my fears and I walk out of the situation because although I told Him I was ready, I am not.

He showed me that He can move mountains, He showed me time and time again that He can do the impossible.

And then He showed me that we still have free will.

(And because of that there will be times we never see those mountains moved.)

And I cried because I lost someone I loved.

He reminded me that belief is key, to hope for the things unseen and to believe with our whole hearts, and then He reminded me this week that obedience is just as important.

We can believe all we want but if we are not obedient to His calling it will slip through our fingers like sand.

He showed me that He will move through us, that when we are obedient to His will, we can be a blessing to others. And if we are not obedient, He will find someone else.

And my heart hurts, because what if everyone else feels like I do, feels like they aren’t ready. If their hearts are ready, but their flesh resists.

He showed me today that He wants a revival, He is calling the people to Him, He showed me that He does not want a diseased and sick people, it was NEVER part of the design. He has shown me that healing is for everyone, just as salvation is.

He is calling the people to Him and He wants us to stand up and use our voices to glorify Him. He wants to move through us, and tell the world the truth, tell the people of His love and His promises and His faithfulness.

He wants His church to stand up and glorify Him, He wants to move through His people.

And I want to be ready, my heart is all in.

And then I get stage fright…

and I think,

maybe next time.

When will I ignore the doubt and the fear and stand up and allow God to speak through me. When will that happen?

(And then I turned off my work timer and dedicated my day of serving to God.)

I sat and cried and prayed and listened to the battle inside my head.

Then I went to continue my work in another area and while I was cleaning,

I cried because He chose me, He is speaking to me and He has been faithful to me, and still I have fear and doubt.

And He showed me a lioness, rising up, strong with her head held high.

And I prayed,

Lord if it’s You, if this is You (I knew it was, but I wanted confirmation), then I’m not going to seek this thing out that You want me to do, send me someone that will draw it out of me, so that I know without a doubt this is You.

He showed me Gideon asking for God’s sign, his confirmation with dew.

And then He showed me Jacob, tossing and turning with his head on the rock as a pillow, He showed me how they fought and He won.

Then He showed me Abraham, how he continued to plead with God for redemption of the people of Sodom, and God entertained him.

Then He showed me Moses, who struggled with His words, and how He sent someone to speak for him.

And He told me I could do this on my own, I did not need a mentor or someone to study or follow because God Himself would show me what to do, God would go before me.

And He did.

He placed the task directly in front of me.

He sent someone who drew it out of me.

He arranged it so plainly that walking away would have felt like choosing fear over obedience.

And when the opportunity came, I asked Him to speak through me.

He did.

The words came without the struggle I had feared.

I had asked God to help me find joy while cleaning a sanctuary.

Instead, He met me there.

For those hours, while I cleaned and cried and prayed, I knew I was in the presence of the Lord.

He walked me back through His faithfulness. He reminded me of where I had been, what He had brought me through, the prayers He had answered, and the times He had already shown me that He could do what seemed impossible.

Where might God be meeting you right now — in your questions, your fear, or an ordinary place you did not expect — and reminding you that He is still there?